Comey on Comey: A Lover Not a Fighter!

His obsequious open love letter to "truly inspirational public figure" Taylor Swift isn't even the most cringeworthy installment of the former G-man's series of video messages on Substack.

No one loves the sound of Jim Comey’s voice more than Jim Comey.

As demonstrated over years of Congressional testimony and media interviews, the disgraced former FBI director always plays the hero and Donald Trump the villain in the ongoing saga inside Comey’s head—answering questions no one asked, offering advice no one needed, and showing up when no one wanted him around.

Such is the case with Comey’s latest exercise in mental masturbation: a Substack page, which is simply and unsurprisingly entitled, “James Comey.”

Launched on May 13 to coincide with the release of his third fiction novel—disingenuously claiming in his first post that he had “struggled a bit these last few months, trying to figure out whether I have anything useful to say as we begin the long, painful journey that is Trump 2.0,” knowing full well he always thinks he has something useful to say—Comey’s Substack features a weekly video where the former FBI director puts on display his disturbing combination of personality disorders for all the world, with the exception of perhaps Comey himself, to see. (Two days after his Substack debut, Comey landed himself in hot water over the beach rock “8647” formation.)

While his August 17 post on Taylor Swift has received the most justified mockery on social media, other videos confirm the dark depths of Comey’s sociopathic narcissism, prepubescent-level lust for acceptance, and endless contempt for President Trump. With the tables of fate neatly turned—Trump back in the White House and Comey under criminal investigation—Comey chatters away as if the reality unfolding around him isn’t really happening, an unsympathetic version of the movie character “Sybil” who somehow believes he can color his way out of a federal indictment and convince the public he is the victim rather than one of the main perpetrators of the most destructive political operation in American history.

Clad in business attire and wearing some sort of white make up to conceal a persistent puffy-eye problem, Comey gives scripted performances in a cloying uptalk cadence to answer his critics in a carefree way to sound like he isn’t worried about potential legal consequences for what he did. He talks a lot about “love” and “laughter” and finding “peace” in the second era of Trump—quickly leading the viewer to believe Comey actually has very little love, laughter, or peace in his life. (A well-earned miserable existence if that’s indeed the case.)

Various topics—the “hate” embedded in the MAGA movement, the weaponization of the Trump Department of Justice, the authoritarianism of the president—reflect Comey’s Alinsky-like projection. One is left to wonder: who, besides Comey, is buying this bullshit?

Oprah-Meets-Stuart-Smalley-Meets-Dr. Phil

The man who routinely bragged about confronting the incoming president with bogus tales of peeing prostitutes in Moscow and ambushing Lt. General Michael Flynn in the White House with bogus tales of Trump-Russia collusion, Comey now wants merely to be considered a “husband, father, and grandfather” who sees his past government work in the distant rearview mirror.

Or, at least that’s how Comey hopes the Trump Department of Justice sees him.

Not a chance. A few days after CIA Director John Ratcliffe announced he had sent the DOJ criminal referrals on Comey and former CIA Director John Brennan related to Russiagate, Comey tried to laugh off the “197th attempt by the Trump administration to put me in jail.”

But then the real thin-skinned Comey appeared. While denouncing Trump as surrounded by ass-kissing sycophants who shield the president from criticism, Comey explained how he shields himself from criticism by blocking comments on his social media and Substack accounts:

But despite all his “I’m rubber, you’re glue” protestations, Comey finally admitted the president had “radicalized” him while again complaining that Trump prevented Comey from living his true self:

‘WHO AM I?’

Comey on many occasions compares himself to various characters, fictional and historical, as he strains for any measure of relatability with the common man: “I AM NOT A SOCIOPATH I AM JUST LIKE YOU!” he unsuccessfully telegraphs to his 8,000 or so subscribers. And his silly analogies of course almost always involve Donald Trump.

Take, for example, Comey’s comparing himself to Lucy’s football from the “Peanuts” cartoon in an effort to downplay reports of a “grand conspiracy” investigation that very likely involves him:

He also fancies himself something akin to a Founding Father. This video ironically was made on the nine-year anniversary of Comey’s infamous 2016 press conference announcing he would not pursue charges against Hillary Clinton for mishandling classified documents. By the way, does anyone really believe the whole Comey family really does a reading of the Declaration of Independence every Fourth of July?

Comey then confesses he “gets choked up” reading the end of the Declaration of Independence. Also worth noting how he talked about “rich” people who sacrificed for their country and wondered why more rich people won’t do that now against Trump; Comey’s net worth is reportedly around $16 million:

Then again, on some days, Comey lurches from Thomas Jefferson to comedian Nate Bargatze!

Shake It Off

Being a true Swiftie, however, means prevailing over the all the haters. In arguably his most pathetic appeal for approval and affection, Comey claims he is just all about love in the end. Not only does he claim to think a lot about love and loving others and who loves him, but he “ordered” FBI employees “to love someone.” (Given the swingers-like environment of the Comey-era FBI, some, including Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, took his directive seriously!)

Getting fired by Trump, Comey insists, was the best thing that happened to him because now he can do yoga and play with chalk (and shells apparently) and “love deeply.” This segment alone should prompt an immediate investigation into every case Comey ever handled—or at least a psych evaluation:

But Comey isn’t fooling many people—with the exception of MSNBC hosts—any more. Democrats, despite a brief rendezvous with him during the first Trump term, still blame Comey for Hillary Clinton’s loss. He appears to have few defenders in former fed circles including those recently fired by Attorney General Pam Bondi; his name rarely comes up. And two months after starting his Substack, Comey isn’t close to hitting the 10,000 subscriber mark—for a free subscription.

Despite his best attempts to appear humorous, fearless, and cool, Comey instead comes across as a deeply disturbed individual who has bought into his own visions of grandeur for so long that he doesn’t really know what he is. Not funny, not fearless, and definitely not cool.

And no amount of grandpa boasting or Founding Father LARPing on Substack will spare Comey what’s coming. To crib Taylor Swift, Trump knew Comey was trouble when he walked in.